Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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