got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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