I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
