When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
