I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I think my moral compass just broke
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