I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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