Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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