i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
