3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize