Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
