dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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