I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
