someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
