my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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