I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
