Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
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