Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
