That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
pray to the hookup gods
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
