i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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