I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize