hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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