I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I think my fart just growled at me.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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