So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
