You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
