Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
