so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
