We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize