I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
