margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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