when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Randomize
