you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
