remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
