I didn't shave. On purpose
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize