he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
