I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
