in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Alive.
So much puke
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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