god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
it's like iHOP with fire
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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