Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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