I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
