i was born a porn star she said
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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