I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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