I was born with a shot glass in my hand
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
