I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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