just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
