Yo dont text me then not text me
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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