I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
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