i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
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