I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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