please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Boobs are out for the taking
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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