Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
ttyl tear gas
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
