I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I met the friendliest cop last night
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize