the ceiling is raining jello shotss
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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