I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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