I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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