i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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