I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
