my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
