he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Randomize
