The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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