im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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