forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
