you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
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