my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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