Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
