I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Randomize
