atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
