no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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