I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
