dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
tell your sister to shave her snatch
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
