i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
