i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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