Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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