Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
