in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Dicks are not precious.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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