Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Randomize
